Christmas Blessings
by Jujukeck
Summary: One-shot: Will the spirit of the holidays bring Christian and Ana back together? All characters are property of EL James.


**Christmas Blessings**

 **CPOV**

It's almost Christmas and the dreary cold of December matches how I feel. It's been six months since Ana walked out on me. She walked out on me because I lost control and hit her with a belt after I told her I would never hurt her. Every minute of every day I regret that decision. I didn't know it truly at the time but now I know Ana was the best thing to ever happen to me. I think about her daily. I dream about her, songs remind me of her, and I see women on the side of the street and hope they are her. But they aren't.

I told Ana once we ended the contract that was it. There were no second chances and no going back on my word. It kills me and I want to pick up the phone and talk to her - to hear her soothing voice once again. It's been committed to memory but I want to touch her and feel her breath on my skin. But I am no good for her. She deserves someone who is normal and wants a normal life - kids, a house with a white picket fence, and a dog. I can't give that to her. So I don't see any point in prolonging this when it's only going to end anyway.

I talk about her with Flynn every session. I'm sure he thinks I am an asshole for staying away from her like this. But I have to let her move on even if I can't. Maybe this is my punishment for beating her. I had a taste of what love is and I drove it away. Now I know what I am missing.

Elliot and Kate are still a couple and have just moved in together. I act like I don't have a care in the world when I am around them. They don't need to know how empty I feel, how lost I am. I think Elliot knows because on occasion he will let me know how Ana is doing. He told me she is doing well at her job and has already been promoted so she can afford the apartment she shared with Kate but she is looking for a roommate to help with expenses. I hope it's not a man. I'm not sure I could bear that. He's also told me she isn't dating anyone. He doesn't have much to tell me since he said Ana pretty much works all the time and hangs out at home. She doesn't go drinking with friends or on dates with guys. Inwardly, that makes me happy. I want her to be happy and have love, yet I don't want her to be with anyone else. I was her first, and for all intents and purposes, she was mine.

No one else has ever slept in my bed or met my family. And no one else will. No one else could even try to compare to Anastasia. I had my chance with her and I ruined it. I didn't deserve her then and I for sure don't deserve her now.

Everyone is excited for the holidays. They all have Christmas cheer and excitement for the new year. It means nothing to me. I don't really have anything to be happy about. I have my family and my things but I feel truly and utterly alone. And I am destined to remain that way.

Elena has tried to set me up with new submissives, but I don't want any. I've emptied my playroom. I couldn't tolerate going into that room. That room was the beginning of the end and I want no reminders of that. I have the model glider Ana left for me as a gift. It sits on my desk and many times I stare at it and remember that day. Why couldn't I just let myself go and be with her? I could have been what she wanted but I was too busy trying to satisfy my needs than to listen to hers. I was selfish and this is my penance.

I'm going to get through these next few weeks how I've learned to live life now. I'm going to just go through the motions and put a smile on my face. But I am empty inside. No amount of eggnog or Christmas music can make me feel whole. There's only one person who can do that.

 **APOV**

I'm trying to put a brave face on for Ray and Kate but, this year I really am not in the spirit of the holidays. Kate is in love with Elliot and they have just moved in with each other. She is so happy and they are perfect together. I wish I had just an ounce of what she has. But I won't let it show.

Six months ago when I walked out on Christian I made a mistake. I know that now. Now I know that we could have worked something out. I could have learned to deal with the pain - for him. I will forever be attached to him. He was my first - first boyfriend, first man I had sex with, first man I slept with, and the list goes on. I did this to myself.

All around me, people are happy. There are parties at work and family and friends gathering. Out in the city people are meeting loved ones or doing their Christmas shopping. They are happy. They know what they have. They didn't let it go.

I'm in my bedroom brushing my hair that never wants to cooperate and trying to put on makeup to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. But really, I don't care. I have no one to look nice for. Kate has tried to set me up with some guys to see if it will make me feel better. But I can't do it. I don't want anyone else. I want to be in his arms and only his arms. I turned my back on someone for whom I had true feelings.

"Ana! Are you almost ready?" Kate yells to me. She came to pick me up. Her excuse was that she didn't want me to have to worry about driving home so I could drink and enjoy myself. But I know it's because she knows I wouldn't go unless she drags me there. I know I am a horrible friend for being like this when she deserves someone to be happy with her. I tried to be alone without bothering anyone but she wouldn't have it. She won't say anything but she knows why I am like this. She was never a fan of Christian's but she knows what I felt for him was real and she knows the pain I am in now.

"Coming!" I check my sweater and hair one last time before I head out the door. Kate thought I should wear something sexy but there is no point to it. "Hi, Kate. Thank you for picking me up. Are you sure Elliot won't mind if I crash at your place? You guys probably want to be alone to celebrate together. After all, tomorrow is Christmas Eve." Christmas Eve should be spent with those you love. I'm planning on going to Montesano for the holiday. But even Ray knows I'm not myself. He just won't say anything.

I wonder if Ray felt like this after Mom left him. Maybe that's why he never even dated anyone else. Maybe that's why his world became all about me. I guess this really will be like father like daughter.

We arrive at their house and I can tell Kate had fun decorating. There must be thousands of lights on the outside of their house with all kinds of decorations. Inside she has the biggest Christmas tree I have ever seen. It is a home - a place filled with love. I decide to keep myself busy and I volunteered to cook the food for the party. That way I will be there but I won't have to talk to anyone or take part in the festivities. In the next hour or two while all the guests showed I made stuffed mushrooms, roasted artichoke hearts, bourbon smokies, an antipasto tray, caprese bites, fresh bread with dipping oil, and more.

Once I am finished making the food, I sneak off to use the bathroom. I'm just trying to avoid talking and meeting people and I know once Kate finds me she will make me do just that. I get in the bathroom and shut the door. It's nice and cool in here. I lean against the door and take some deep breaths. I think coming here was a mistake and now I am stuck. Maybe I can hide outside for a little bit and get some fresh air.

"Sorry…" I am quickly making my way outside when in the foyer, I practically run into him - Christian. The only thing that could make this worse is if he was here with a date. "Christian. Um, how are you?"

"Anastasia. I'm well. You look good." Now he's just being polite. But he is just as gorgeous as I remember, as in my dreams. "So, do you have any plans for the holidays?"

"I'm going to head to Montesano to spend a couple of days with Ray. You?" I can only see his eyes, his chiseled jaw, and his lips. If I hadn't left, those lips could be on me right now.

"I'm going to Bellevue with my parents. Mia is really excited, she loves Christmas." His eyes study me. He's probably thinking he dodged a bullet with me. He probably has a submissive waiting for him at his apartment so they can have a long playroom session when he gets home. The thought makes me sad.

"Oh, I can imagine. How is she? Elliot said she is dating someone." His face makes a grimace.

"Yes, some frat boy spoiled kid. He's 22 and doesn't even have a job. He just hangs out all day with his friends."

"So, I take it you don't approve?" A hint of a smile turns the corners of his lips up.

"Not in the least. How is work?" I can't believe I am standing here making small talk with him. He looks like he just wants to leave. He's only doing this for Elliot I'm sure. I should just end his misery.

"Oh, it's fine. You know. I, um, better get going. Nice seeing you again." I can feel myself start to tear up. I stopped crying a couple of months ago but seeing him here in the flesh opened all those wounds, the wounds that just barely healed. I turn around and make my way into the house

I find Kate. "Kate, I'm not feeling well and I have to get up early tomorrow for my drive. Would it be too much trouble to take me home?" Why should I bring everyone else here down?

"Ana, I've had too much to drink but Elliot is fine. He didn't drink so he could be a designated driver if needed. I'll find him."

"Thank you, Kate. I appreciate it." I give her a quick hug.

"Ana, I love you. I want you to be happy - you know that, right?" She looks at me with the concerned face I have gotten accustomed to seeing. "Merry Christmas, Steele."

"Merry Christmas, Kate. I hope Santa is good to you." Elliot comes walking up to us.

"See, Kate, I told you our party wouldn't be cool enough. I mean, this is Ana after all." Elliot says to Kate jokingly. I feel bad he and Kate are stuck in the middle of this. I would never want them to have to choose between us. Kate is like a sister to me but Christian _is_ Elliot's family.

It's a pretty quiet but short ride back to the apartment I shared with Kate until a few weeks ago. Elliot pulls up in front of the building. "Do you want me to walk you in?"

I shake my head. "No, thank you, Elliot. That's very sweet of you but I'll be fine, really."

"OK. I hope you have a good Christmas, Ana. You know, he asks how you are doing fairly often. I don't tell him how you really are - but I know. You're trying to put on a brave face and you don't have to. You know that, right?"

Tears pool in my eyes and I can only nod. I give him a quick hug, "Thank you, Elliot. That means a lot. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, hun. Take care of yourself." I nod while I get out of the car. I walk up the steps to my apartment alone and in the dark. I walk through the familiar living room to my bedroom. Without turning on the lights, I take off my clothes, crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. It's become a routine for me.

 **CPOV**

It's Christmas morning and my mom, once again, has outdone herself. She has a breakfast spread for us that could feed an army. She has a twelve-foot tree with dozens of presents underneath it. I know some of them in there are for me although I tell her every year not to get me anything.

Mom and Mia are in the kitchen putting some finishing touches on the meal. Dad is taking care of some business in his office so it's just Elliot and me hanging out in the family room.

"She's not happy like she lets on you know." Elliot quietly says to me.

"Who?" What the hell is he talking about? Mom and Mia both seemed fine.

"Ana. She didn't want me to tell you but she cried for months after you two split up. I don't know what happened between the two of you but I doubt it's something irreparable."

"She didn't seem upset last night. And she is the one who left me. We just weren't compatible. Sometimes that just happens." I tell that to Elliot but there is a very small ray of hope inside of me saying there could be another chance for us.

"Christian, you know that's bullshit. I never saw you as happy as you were when you were with her and I definitely haven't seen it since. One of you should just swallow your pride and talk to each other."

"Like I said, Elliot, we just weren't meant to be. I've accepted it so why can't you?"

"Then I would like to go on record saying that I think you're wrong and you two belong together. I just wish you'd get your head out of your ass and admit it to yourself." Elliot turns and joins my family in the dining room.

 **APOV**

SIP is closed for the holiday for the whole week so I get to spend time with Ray, just like old times. One of the days we walk around Lake Sylvia State Park to be out in nature, another of the days he takes me target shooting. It is nice to spend this time with him. I've missed this since moving to Seattle. I feel like Ray is the one person with whom I can be myself. So when I go to leave on New Year's Eve, I feel a little heavy-hearted.

"Bye, Daddy. I'll visit you again soon. I had a wonderful time - I love you." He gives me one of his huge bear hugs.

"Annie, take care of yourself, OK? Try to be happy. You have your whole life ahead of yourself. You deserve the best." That is unlike my dad. He doesn't show affection like that. He's more… reserved.

I get home to the apartment where it's empty. Kate wanted me to go out with her and Elliot to a fancy New Year's Eve party at the Space Needle but I just can't deal with it. I will be glad to see the year end quite frankly.

It's late afternoon and there's nothing in the kitchen to eat so I head down for some Chinese takeout. I come back home with my wonton soup, cuddle up in my blanket, and watch some movie on TV. I will be glad to have this year over.

 **CPOV**

I'm at the Space Needle in my tux. Everyone around me is having a great time. But I'm not. I may be physically here but not mentally - not emotionally. While other people are excited for what the new year will bring and talk about the best times of this past year, I know next year will be just as empty and hollow as every other year. There's no point in celebrating that. It's like celebrating Tuesday.

I'm staring out at the Seattle skyline. Kate comes up to me. She doesn't care for me - I know that. I know especially after Ana, she doesn't. She thinks I broke Ana's heart and she's right. "Christian, I didn't realize you were here."

"Yeah, Elliot harassed me until I said I'd come," I respond as I blankly stare out at the city below.

"So, why aren't you in the party having fun?"

"You know, I just don't feel like I am in a partying mood. Plus, I don't have anything to celebrate. I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be exactly as it is." I can't disguise the sadness in my voice.

"It doesn't have to be."

"What?" I look over at her incredulously.

She gives me a small smile. I think this may be the first time she's smiled at me. "You know, I tried to get her to come, to have a good time, but she refused."

"Who?" I know who she is talking about but I just want to make sure.

"Ana, she's at home at the apartment right now. I texted her a couple of minutes ago to make sure she got home from Ray's ok."

"Thanks, Kate." There is nothing more I want than to hold Ana in my arms and tell her how I feel.

"Christian, just don't take too long. The street the apartment on has a lot of parties so it may be hard to get a parking spot."

"Why are you helping me, Kate? I thought you hated me."

"Because I love Ana and I want her to be happy. And for some ungodly reason, she was happiest when she was with you. Just don't fuck it up this time." Kate turns around and goes back to the party without saying another word.

I finally admit the universe is telling me I should be with Ana. Without hesitation, I make my way to the elevators and down to get my car from the valet. I give him an obscenely large tip so he will be fast returning it. I get in my R8 and make my way to Ana's as fast as I can.

 **APOV**

I'm not paying attention to the movie, it's just something to fill the quiet. Suddenly, there is a panicked knock on my door. Who the hell is that? I open the door and there is Christian looking gorgeous in a tuxedo.

"Christian? What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you and it can't wait. Can I come in?" I'm not sure I have ever heard him speak so urgently.

"Yes, sure. Um, sorry for the way I look, I wasn't expecting company." Here he is in a tuxedo looking like he just walked out of a magazine, and then there is me - wearing a crappy t-shirt, yoga pants, and my hair is a disaster.

"I think you're beautiful, Ana." His voice is barely a whisper as if it is some sort of confession.

"You had to talk to me about something?" I ask him. I'm still confused about what is going on.

"I made a huge mistake, six months ago when I let you walk out. I was an asshole for how I treated you. And, since then, I have thought about you every minute of every day. Without you, I am just a shell of a man. I love you and I let the best thing that ever happened to me walk out the door."

His admission is making me tear up. "But, Christian. I can't give you what you need. It's that simple." Believe me, I've thought about this day in and day out for the past few months.

"I know I said that, but I was wrong. I was very wrong. I don't need that. In fact, I got rid of everything in my playroom. What I need is you."

"I don't want to be a submissive. I can't be a submissive, Christian."

"I don't want a submissive. I want you and only you. You were the last woman who I held in my arms and I want you to be the last. Please, can we give us another chance? I need a chance to prove I love you. You own me, heart and soul." He walks so he is standing right in front of me. His eyes are gleaming a stormy gray.

"You love me?" He slowly nods his head. "Christian, I love you. I've regretted walking out on you every day for the past six months. So many times I thought about calling you and asking for another chance."

He leans down, his hand caresses my face. "What about now? Will you give us another chance?"

I whisper to him, barely able to speak, "Yes." He leans down and kisses me. I've dreamed of this every day for six months. And now, both of us have confessed our feelings. The kiss is the months of sadness poured into this one gesture. In the background, I hear Auld Lang Syne being sung.

 _Should old acquaintance be forgot,_

 _and never brought to mind?_

 _Should old acquaintance be forgot,_

 _and old lang syne?_

Christian breaks from our kiss. "Happy new year, Anastasia."

"Happy new year, Christian."

THE END


End file.
